i know there's no one viewing my blog anymore. In a way, it's kind of nice having privacy(although there's really an option to keep the blog secret but i didn't choose it coz i chose to share) but i still miss the feeling of people having to react on my posts. :)
Well, here is my "drama series" a personal one of which I've experienced during December last year. These were written during the time I felt it. So, it's in an emotional form and not in my normal way of writing which contained deep words which I happen to pick up from good ol' Encarta Dictionary. :))
December 12, 2008
You just don't know how much I'm missing you. You just don't know how much my heart yearns to see you and talk to you even though a text would do just fine. You just don't know how much I wanted to visit you and thought that it wasn't much of a good idea. You haven't even had the slightest idea how great my feelings for you is. You can only begin to guess and fail. So I'm asking, are you mad at me? Tell me please. I promise, I would just keep quiet and never bother you again.
December 13, 2008
You're back to your old self: the .... that I know. The .... that I was constantly texting. The .... whom I do not dare say my feelings so wholly, I could only give hints. Oh, you just don't know how much happiness it brings me that you're texting me again. I really missed you. When we're not texting, it felt like the longest day of my life.
December 14, 2008
I didn't get a single text from you again. I know you've justified yourself by saying that you're quite tired of texting. But... I just can't seem to accept that reason. I feel depressed.. again. *sigh* And what's bad with it, my last text last night was about me, missing you. Then, you replied an hour later with ".... bla bla ...." Of course, I wasn't able to reply because it was in the wee hours of the morning already. *sigh* I don;'t know if you're deliberately avoiding me or what. But still, you're texts give me happiness. How I wish you'd just tell me directly and not make me feel rejected every single time.
December 16 and 17, 2008
I think I would just summarize the two. These 2 days were the peak of my depression. this is the part when I've gotten into the conclussion that she's avoiding me.December 18, 2008
Avoidance must be the most painful thing you've been doing to me. Without goodbyes, without explanations. I ask you the reasons, you don't even give a reply. I'm going insane with every single day that you're avoiding me. I want to cry, I want to dissipate. And the worst feeling of all is that I can't do anything about it. I want you to be happy but I want you to be mine too.It's such conflicting things right now that I can't afford to be happy even though you are. I don't know what to feel also. I laugh like I do everyday. But at times, my mind lingers for a while and I remember what you're doing to me. People wonder, but I can't tell them the reason behind what's happening to me. I can only write these things on my phone, everyday. I do this to remind me of the pain being inflicted upon me.
-as of 12 noon
and then....Yet now, you texted me again. Making my heart skip a beat. How do you manage to know just when to cheer this sober heart of mine?
December 19, 2008
This is really a secret. So I'll just let you on a glimpse. OK?How come you never did that with me? It's weird. I was really convinced now that I'm just a nothing to you after everything you've confided and shared with me. I was crying, a last outburst of emotions.
But right when I was done with mourning, you texted me again. It gave me a new light, a whole new hope. I don't know how you do it, but you just do. You make me feel complete again. Completely insane.
December 25, 2008
And I was drowned in my fantasies of you and me again. How nice this disposition of mine is. I feel as if everything was conspiring with my desires and wishes. We we're texting for half a day(12 hours, is what I meant) although there are gaps.But still, amidst everyone saying that I should move on, I refuse to adhere to what they say.I still feel strongly attached to this emotions towards you. Ask you? And then this whole thing might be over. I may win or lose. BUt at least, it would end. However, I could still find great bliss in what I do. I still don't wanna move on if ever she won't accept me.
I'd still want to be yours. That's how strong your hold on me is.Haha. 2008 really had a lot of things in store for me. Especially that last month. It's as if December was put in too my life to make me realize that everything comes with a hardship, and it may be a very hard one. December made me realize a lot of things it made me different. I feel stronger now. I've experienced a lot of things. And now, I believe, I know who I trully am. :)
